If Jesus wiz a Weegie

Wee Glaswegian Gospel paraphrases by Paddy Patterson.

Jesus is never the joke. We usually are.

These pieces take familiar Gospel scenes and let them breathe in Glaswegian voice. I try to stay close to the shape and tone of the text, while letting the humour rise out of misunderstanding, awkwardness and the very human tendency to miss what Jesus is actually saying.

They are not sermons in disguise. They are stories first. A lighter place to land, maybe, but still trying to take Jesus seriously enough to let Him speak in a voice that sounds like somewhere I know.

A Wee Glossary

Weegie – somebody fae Glasgow. Usually warm-hearted, sharp-tongued and allergic tae takin themselves too seriously.

Start Here

The Wan Loaf is the best place to begin. It sets the tone: ordinary people, ordinary confusion, and Jesus saying something far bigger than the disciples are ready to hear.

Which Wan o Yous Is the Greatest? takes the disciples’ status argument and drops it into a voice that makes the absurdity harder to miss.

Nae Bag, Nae Breid stays with Jesus sending the disciples out, with no room for over-preparation or hiding behind what they can carry.

The Lines We Knew brings the call of the fishermen into Easterhouse, 1987, where territory, belonging and identity already have a language of their own.

The Series

• If Jesus wiz a Weegie (1): The Wan Loaf16th Jan 2026
  It’s only then Andrew clocks it. Wan loaf. That’s aw they’ve goat wi them. But they’ve already shoved aff, so there’s no much tae be done aboot it noo.
• 
  If Jesus wiz a Weegie (2): Which Wan o Yous Is the Greatest?2nd Feb 2026
  The kind o silence that arrives aw at once, like everybody’s agreed tae stop breathin.
• 
  If Jesus wiz a Weegie (3): Nae Bag, Nae Breid28th Feb 2026
  “Tell folk the Kingdom’s near,” He said. “Tell them it’s time tae turn round.” Then: “Nae bag. Nae breid.”
• 
  If Jesus Was a Weegie (4): The Lines We Knew23rd Aug 2026
  What happens when Jesus’ call to the fishermen in Mark 1 is reimagined in Easterhouse, 1987? A creative retelling of belonging, identity and territorial lines — and what it might mean when Jesus walks into the world you already know and simply says, “Come wae me.”

Browse the full If Jesus wiz a Weegie archive