I need a fix or ahm gonnae die
eyes drift open
and
already its
there that
horrible sick feel
crawling its way
up to my throat
the restlessness kicking
out from my knee
letting me know,
as this bully
holds me down,
but forces
me into
acknowledging
how subtly and masterfully my life
is now owned
with nose running,
head spinning
leg kicking,
stomach churning
mind wondering,
aches throbbing and
gut contents looking
to escape through to
their pipes quicker
than i can handle
“is there anything
under my
mattress? how
short am I?
are my tools able?
last time it was barbed
pulling my skin
ripping and tugging
blood from there
reminding me what
a fool I been
if no good who
is near I can
get a hit from
i need that thin
one to mill
my hope from a mix
of smack and water
and abdine with heat
through a fag end filter
drawing death on
the instal-
ment
plan
I need a fix or ahm gonnae die
I need to move and get
up but the terror grab-
bing my mind freaking
me out and convincing
me i’m going to die bef-
ore i can even get thro-
ugh the door im boxed
in by this fear in every
cell within capturing a
moment dragged out to
an eternity as climbing
the walls im draggin up
my feet to my chest and
terror grabs my throat I
don’t know what to do i
need a fix now so i drag
one foot now out to the
floor and put it down as
i force the other to foll
ow through, im pushing
the edge of my box and
then it kicks in my mind
sees the image of a wee
paper wrap just under it
near to where my hope
is sure that its gonna be
over real soon i can get
out of this box and rush
the terror and gut pull
and leg kicks and nose
runs and head knocks
i need my lighter and
spoon and so very soon
im gonna be fixed able
to get oot a this box and
oot a this room and oot
intae thae streets to get
mair cash oot a whaur
ever ah cin so ahm able
tae avoid the fear creepin
up oan me again.
ah hate bein strung oot
©Stuart Patterson 2019
This POEM is part of a wider collection to show the journey that would eventually lead me to the cross of Jesus Christ, my personal redemption, and my journey of faith afterwards. If you would like to know more of my story, please click on my “About” page and take it from there.
Alternatively, you can visit the Media Links page and see a short visit done by BBC Radio Scotland for an interview I did there.
I have now released an early edition of my story, Completing the Tenner.
I have also published two poem books: Simply Jesus and Five Weeks in May
You can purchase these direct from Amazon (please use Amazon Smile link below and Amazon will contribute to ECC at no cost to you), They are all available in both Kindle and Paperback formats.
Or you can buy directly from me. Email me directly to arrange this.
There is now a devotional aimed at new Christians called “Take a seat“ this is available direct from me.
If you or someone you love, needs help with the Christian response to addiction, or if you would just like to know more or need hope, please click on one of the following:
The Haven
Teen Challenge Strathclyde
Teen Challenge UK
Teen Challenge Global
Street Connect
Bethany Christian Trust
Jumping Jacks Outreach
Cornerstone Assemblies of God, Maryland
Broken Chains Ayr
Easterhouse Community Church
Stuart Patterson
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Completing the Tenner 