Staring at the screen longingly, I yearn to flirt with the memories dancing in my mind. Yet, it feels as though the gear connecting my brain to my hands has slipped. A disconnect, leaving me wondering: what can I do?
Once, my mind effortlessly replayed memories, weaving them into text. Now, bringing even a single cohesive visual image to life is a struggle. It’s like an overnight change, a twist in my psyche. Each word now has to be weighed and forced out, a far cry from the effortless stream of consciousness that used to be my modus operandi.
A newspaper headline about the horror of addiction in the ‘best wee country in the world’ would once trigger a flood of emotive recollections. Episodes I had been lifted from. Now, I dwell in the memories of those loved – and loathed – but gone. Yet, arranging those memories into words feels like assembling a puzzle with missing pieces.
The cursor blinks, a silent challenge, while my brain seems to blink out of sync – faster, or is it slower? I’m not sure anymore.
I long to make a difference, but the words stay locked away in the darkest recesses of my mind, like treasures in a vault. “Keep writing,” echo the voices of friends and sages. But how? To keep writing, one must start, and I’m stalled at the starting line.
Wandering past Waterstones, I see a kaleidoscope of colors leaping out from book covers, each holding a universe of captured thoughts. This sight, meant to inspire, instead stirs a melancholic longing within me. It’s not about being a bestseller; it’s about realigning the disjointed tracks of thought, overcoming what I’ve come to call ‘Bleacher Syndrome’. Somewhere in the tangle of my mind lies my unique contribution, if only I could unearth it. Get it back on tracks that seem to be long gone.
So here I am, typing what feels like nothings, nurturing a faint hope that the mechanical act of typing might somehow transform into the creative art of writing.
The reason for my blank screen stare isn’t a mystery. I recall vividly that defining moment when I first faced the mocking, defiant emptiness of the screen. Words, once faithful companions, turned elusive. The lecturer’s voice screeched down the phone, a stark contrast to the doctor’s indifferent queries, mirroring the dissonance between my mind and my hands. If my hands won’t listen, why should my doctor?
The memory is clear – the moment a well-intentioned promise of prevention entered my life, ironically fulfilling its purpose but not as intended. It severed the once fluid link between my thoughts and the written word. Stopping the transmission of my mind to screen -but not the viral monstrosity it was jabbed in for.
I think of Duncan Campbell, whose eyes glazed over as he spoke listlessly of life after the Lewis Revival. He longed for the past days of divine power in islands and times now removed from under his feet, while his grandchild yearned for his presence in the now as they sat at his feet.
Similarly, I find my own eyes glazing over at the screen, caught between past inspiration and present inertia.
In these moments, I wonder, is the essence of writing not just in the words penned but also in the spaces between? In the struggles, the pauses, the glances away from the screen? Perhaps in acknowledging this dissonance lies the first step to bridging it.
For now, I’ll continue to type, trusting that each keystroke weaves a strand back into the tapestry of my thoughts, slowly mending the gap between what is in my mind and what makes it onto the page.
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This POST is part of a wider collection to show the journey that would eventually lead me to the cross of Jesus Christ, my personal redemption, and my journey of faith afterwards. If you would like to know more of my story, please click on my “About” page and take it from there.
Alternatively, you can visit the Media Links page and see a short visit done by BBC Radio Scotland for an interview I did there.
I have now released an early edition of my story, Completing the Tenner.
I have also published two poem books: Simply Jesus and Five Weeks in May
You can purchase these direct from Amazon (please use Amazon Smile link below and Amazon will contribute to ECC at no cost to you), They are all available in both Kindle and Paperback formats.
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There is now a devotional aimed at new Christians called “Take a seat“ this is available direct from me.
If you or someone you love, needs help with the Christian response to addiction, or if you would just like to know more or need hope, please click on one of the following:
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Completing the Tenner 
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